messy house

Twas the night before Christmas, my house is a mess

My kids were up at 6AM, this Momma is stressed

There up my ass early with no time to spare

In hopes that a jolly fat man soon will be there

These children all sugared up like crack heads

I can’t picture a universe with them in their beds

My hubby still passed out, sawing some trees

No naps in my future, not sure when I’ll get some ZZZZ’s

When out in the road I heard such a clatter

Oh hell no, family already, such a distressing matter

Away to the vacuum, I turned it on with a flash

Straighten up pillows, blankets, and laundry real fast

I open the door to tons of family with gifts

Come in, please sit, time for spiked coffee, AHHH Yes

Nothing like day-drinking at 8AM with family and friends

After this holiday I may end up with The Bends

12 hours until I can attempt to put my little addicts to bed

I’ll spend today barking threats they’ll be filled full of dread

Who am I kidding they don’t fear me

We’ll be lucky to end the day without a series of fisticuff sprees

Soon it will be time for Church and then supper

By 5 PM eastern I’ll most likely need an upper

After bed it will be time to play the Jolly old soul

My husband better not ask to go for a bedroom roll

Then off to steal some sleep before the big day arrives

Relax and don’t stress, no need to get hives

Enjoy each minute, it’s fleeting and fast

I hope that your family has a wonderful Christmas blast!

We are quickly inching in on 2015. In this day and age I personally find it very difficult and demanding to be a wife, mother, and full time work at home employee. I wear several different hats and I am constantly juggling various activities.

Today I received a text from a friend with the following document in it. It is a scoring sheet on rating a woman on her ability to be a superior wife and mother. This way you can score her before you purchase the cow so to speak. Take a look at the chart. It was the standard in 1930. You can click on the chart to get a better view.


In the above chart it clearly states the duties that the wife is meant to perform. I will now give you my score and line by line ratings.

Demerits:                                                         My Score:

  1. Slow to come to bed—delays until husband is asleep. 1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Yes, some nights I will wait his ass out until I know it is safe to enter the room without being mauled like poor Roy by Mantecore in 2003.
  2. Doesn’t like Children –                                                               0                                                                                                                                                                                                               I am potentially safe on this question. I am assuming it is referring to your own personal children. I love my children, but I hate other peoples kids. Let’s be honest, we all feel this way, right?
  3. Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks-                                1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 I have never sewed a button. I will never darn a sock. I will happily go to the store and buy a new pack of Hanes and call it a day.
  4. Wears soiled or ragged dresses or aprons-                        1                                                                                                                                                                                                       Guilty as charged. There are days I do not get out of my PJ’s. My pajama pants look like they were mauled by Mantecore. They are still my favorite pants, and I am not sure why that makes me a bad wife.
  5. Wears red nail polish—                                                             1                                                                                                                                                                                                             As we speak I am currently wearing glittery red nail polish that looks sweeeeeeeeeet. My though behind wearing red nail polish as a negative is that it infers the woman is a whore. Well, I guess you can call me Debbie and see if I head for Dallas.
  6. Often late for appointments–                                                 5                                                                                                                                                                                                   You’ve got me. I haven’t been on time for anything in at least 10 years. I have three kids. I will most likely be late for my funeral.
  7. Seams in hose often crooked–                                                1                                                                                                                                                                                                               I wouldn’t wear panty hose if you paid me. Plus they wouldn’t work with my flip flops.
  8. Goes to bed with curlers and face cream-                          0                                                                                                                                                                                                               I do not do this, but once I did get a really bad perm and my entire family called me Chester which was the name of a poodle we use to have.
  9. Puts her cold feet on her husband to warm them up-  1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Damn straight I do that. My feet are cold, his legs are covered with think hair. Its like a sweater for my feet.
  10. Is a back seat driver-                                                                   1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Guilty as charged. I am the worst back seat driver. I am also a pretty bad regular driver.
  11. Flirts with other men at parties-                                           0                                                                                                                                                                                                               I don’t think I am guilty of this one, but you would have to ask my husband. I am not interested in taking on another man, a wife on the other hand would be a welcomed addition to our family.
  12. Is suspicious and jealous-                                                         0                                                                                                                                                                                                            At the end of the evening I am so tired that my hair hurts. I do not have the time or energy to be jealous. Plus I am assuming he knows that I am handy with a shovel and am not afraid to dig a hole.


  1. A good hostess-                                                                           1                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I would say that I am an awesome hostess. I always have my fridge stocked with beer and wine, and I love throwing a party.
  2. Has meals on time-                                                                   1                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I do work from home so the majority of the time I have dinner ready and served on the table at 6:30. My husbands only complaint being that most of our meals could be served to nursing home patients because I have cooked them in the crock pot for about 12 hours. One year I only cooked food that I could cover in cream of mushroom soup.
  3. Can carry on an interesting conversation-                      1                                                                                                                                                                                                                  If you are reading this then you know I am pretty freaking interesting, however exceptionally inappropriate.
  4. Can play a musical instrument-                                          0                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I do not play any musical instruments, but I am attempting to teach my vagina to play the flute.
  5. Dresses for breakfast-                                                            0                                                                                                                                                                                                                   As stated before, I sometime never change out of my pajamas. Why on earth would I get dressed to hand you a granola bar?
  6. Neat housekeeper-tidy-                                                         1                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I am giving myself this point because I am at war with my children and house every single day. I do my best to keep maple syrup off of the furniture and fruit loops out of the couch. We own a dog. Her role is to eat anything that falls on the floor. That should count as vacuuming. This is however a daunting task and I am currently losing the battle.
  7. Personally puts children to bed-                                         1                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Bed time is usually sports center time at my house, which means I am the one putting their asses in bed. I do a lot of screaming and throwing of items as to disrupt his television watching, but it usually has no effect on him.
  8. Never goes to bed angry-                                                     1                                                                                                                                                                                                                       I try not to do this, however sometimes I am simply passing out. That doesn’t count right?
  9. Asks husbands opinion on important decisions and purchases- 1                                                                                                                                                                                            I say I do this all the time, however my husband would disagree. I do ask him what he think, I just don’t always do what he says. I am not sure why that is a problem.
  10. Good sense of humor—jolly and gay-                             1                                                                                                                                                                                                                    If I do say so myself…Yes I have a pretty good sense of humor. I think that is necessary if you want to stay married and have children. Otherwise you would find me on a bridge taking one last selfie before I jumped.
  11. Religious-sends children to church and also goes to church- 1                                                                                                                                                                                                   I do my very best with this one. Some Sundays are harder than others, especially after the Saturday drinking that occurred due to the week I had taking care of the demanding demons..AKA children.
  12. Let’s Husband sleep late on Sundays and Holidays- 1                                                                                                                                                                                                                 As soon as the three hemorrhoids march into our room on the weekend, he better be up and out of that bed. I am not a camp counselor. Time to rise and shine Baby.

My score….Drum roll please……………………………  -3

That’s right folks. I scored in the negative rage. Every day I get up, take the kids to school, do the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, work from home, clean the pool, cut the grass, complete home projects, shuttle kids to sports and activities, cook dinner, provide the required services for my husband and then go to bed so I can get up and do it again the next day. And after all this I got a -3. I am greatful I was not a wife in the 1930’s. I would have never survived. So here’s to ringing in 2015. May your year be filled with good health, well behaved children, wealth, and a husband who knows better than to ask you to sew on a freaking button.


This morning was a knock down drag out fight as usual. It has gotten a bit chilly in the mornings and as I was getting the kids ready my daughter came out in shorts and a short sleeve shirt. I asked her to change into pants and grab her jacket. She immediately began to cry, scream and complain that she was not cold. Here is the interaction that followed. And yes, we sang it as though we live in a musical.

Daughter ——– Mother

I really don’t care — Baby it’s cold outside

I really want to wear — Baby it’s cold outside

Pants are so dumb – You’re not going to school like a bum

Shorts will be nice… — Go cover your legs, they’ll be like ice


I’m a big kid don’t you worry – -Beautiful, please we gotta hurry?

I’ll throw a fit here on the floor — I’m in charge please quiet your roar

Mom there’s not even a flurry — Beautiful please we gotta hurry.

Maybe just pack them for sure — Put them on or I’ll give you the cure


Don’t you care what I think? – No, please just do what I say

How about this skirt it’s pink?-Please, just do it my way

It will warm up soon — I don’t really care for your snarky tune

Weatherman said high temperatures by noon –- Your stressing me I will surely swoon


Mom this is so, so, very dumb –- Child you are making me glum?

At least let me pick the ones I want — Can’t we discuss a détente?

Mom can we go? — We can, just as soon as, you know…

Are you even listening to me ?


I’ve put em’ on, now let’s go – Oh, baby, yes but you move so slow

Let’s get outta here –Keep on your coat, or you’ll shed a tear…..

I really don’t care – You better not dare

Look..I took them off – Come now, you’ll get a cough


There’s bound to be kids in shorts –The teachers will glare and snort

At least I’ll be alone at school–What if you caught croup that wouldn’t be cool.

I really don’t care – You better not dare…..


It’s time to stop all the strife, cause baby I’m your Mom for life!


And off to school we went. I am sure at this point in the day she is on the playground with no jacket, and yes it did in fact warm up. Why do I even bother?


Oh Christmas Crap

Oh Christmas Crap

You’ve taken over my house

Unwrapped gifts and bows galore

The Gingerbread house has hit the floor

Oh Christmas Crap

Oh Christmas Crap

You’ve spread like the Ebola

I can’t wait to box you up

Look another UPS delivery truck

Oh Christmas Crap

Oh Christmas Crap

I think I’ve sank the budget

What do you mean I forgot someone?

Here’s a stocking I’ll fill it with rum

Oh Christmas Crap

Oh Christmas Crap

I think it’s time to get my Grinch on

No stop! Don’t eat that!

My thighs can’t take any more holiday fat.

Oh Christmas Crap

Oh Christmas Crap

We are officially two weeks out

WTF! Kids please behave

I’m totally full of Christmas rage

Oh Christmas Crap

Oh Christmas Crap

I might not make it out alive

The store are filled with angry shoppers

No Christmas cheer, just parking stalkers

Oh Christmas Crap

Oh Christmas Crap

Tis the season to break down

It’s time to drown my holiday sorrow

Egg nog cheer and Xanax tomorrow

Oh Christmas Crap

Oh Christmas Crap

I hope I make it to the New Year

2015 I’ll be in the clear

Then we’ll do it again have no fear

Oh Christmas Crap

Oh Christmas Crap

Season’s Greetings from Sunshine

photo (12)

Facebook has been inundated with photos of playful elves. You know the photos that I am talking about. The elf is pooping out marshmallows, or leaving shaving cream messages. Those elves are so mischievous. What little scamps they are. Well this past weekend my families elf apparently took several selfies. I received these photos in my email this morning. I was not pleased to say the least. Below you will find the email that was sent to me from Elfie.

Dear Host Family,

I hope you had a great weekend. I am loving your pad. I had a blast meeting new people. I just wanted to send a few pics to show you what a wonderful time I am having. You’re kids are spoiled brats by the way, totally on the naughty list. Thanks for the hospitality.

photo (10)

Those Barbies are super slutty. Love those chicks.

photo (8)

Willie and I had a great time cruzin in the Chevy with Barbie riding bitch.

photo (7)

That Nutcracker is such a dick. He would not give me a straight answer.

photo (6)

Frosty was not frosty at all, if you know what I mean.

photo (5)

The Mistletoe worked like a charm, as if I needed any help.

photo (11)

I am positive I will bag that buck this season. Santa can kiss it. Let Dasher have a shot at a call up for once.

photo (4)

Barbie be like…Pizza for dinner. Cook a meal shorty or I will drop you like it’s hot.

photo (3)

Batman was PISSED! What a tool. I gave her the what-for…Three times.

photo (2)

It’s duck season. Enough said.

photo (1)

That fat waiter had no idea what his Friday night was going to turn out to be.


Freaking fox. He wouldn’t even give me a clue. If I hear that song one more time.

photo (9)

Three blondes and some booze. It was magical.

I am already calling dibs on your house next year.

Love, Elfie

So if you think your Elf is an inconvenient house guest this season, think again. You could have gotten Elfie, the beer drinking, Barbie defiling, buck hunting, snowman sodomite from the North Pole.


With December upon us, I have seen many pictures on Facebook of crying erratic children trying to get away from Santa Claus. I giggle and grin because I remember this same traumatic event occurring with each of my children. This caused me a pause and think about the legends that we tell our kids during the holiday season. First we have the Elf on the Shelf. He is a tiny magical man who flies to your home to watch your children and report back to Santa to compile a list of naughty and nice children. Next we have the big man, Santa. He is an elderly bearded fat man who breaks into your home at night to leave you gifts or perhaps coal, based on said list from above. Last we have several songs, movies, and various traditions that we perform each year that continue to amaze me.

Elfie has become a nationwide sensation. You can spot him in homes across the globe. His devilish grin and knack for high-jinks is second to none. Not only is the Elf a bona-fide snitch, but he is creepy and he hides each night when the kids go to bed. Is there any other time of the year that we would allow a small man to come into our homes and watch our children? I can’t think of a time when I have said to my husband, “We need a babysitter, how about that weird man who hangs out at the park? He looks like a bit of a scamp. I’ll see if he wants to babysit.”

Chris Cringle, the legend that is Santa. Don’t get me wrong, I love that jolly fat man. I just find it odd that we force our children each year to sit on the lap of a bearded, fat stranger, who we know nothing about. I am guessing he passed some type of background check, but what if Santa has a taste for the night life and still has a handful of ruffies in his pocket. We tell our children on a daily basis to watch for “Stranger Danger” but we push, pull and drag them up to Santa and beg them to sit on the “nice mans” lap. I am not throwing stones, I myself have paid an exorbitant amount of money to have my three-year old sit on Santa’s lap, only to tell me a few minutes later that he smelled like Mommy’s breath after I drank some Mommy juice, AKA wine.

Take a minute and think about all of the Christmas carols that we sing each year. The downtrodden bullied reindeer Rudolph has a solid moral plot. I am always a fan of an underdog, but what about the lyrics to Santa Claus is Coming to Town? Take a look below:

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

He’s making a list
And checking it twice;
He’s gonna find out
Who’s naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!

Once again I have to wonder. Why can Santa see my children when they are sleeping and when they are awake? Should I be concerned enough to file a restraining order? I am positive that I don’t want an old creepy man lurking around my house at night checking to see if the children are behaving. I have a flip-flop for that. On a side note, what is Mommy doing kissing Santa Claus? Men, you better keep your women in check this year. I hear the UPS man is wearing a red hat during deliveries, and his package can be quite the load.

But I digress. I do love the holidays and I do love all of the traditions that give me a bit of leverage with my three children at this time of year. Greed is a very powerful driving force. If I have to use a fat man and a creepy dwarf to get my kids to behave in order to obtain a video game system, then by all means…..Merry Christmas.


It amazes me how telling a child not to touch something turns it into the most coveted object on the planet. This weekend our Elf on the Shelf returned to our home. I am positive that my 8 year old does not believe in this, but he is being a trooper and playing along for the other two. This morning while I was getting dressed I heard the kids talking in the living room. “Touch the Elf, go on, touch him” Said my daughter to my youngest son. “Throw an ornament from the tree and hit him, let’s see if he can really fly” she said. She is such a turd, always egging on one of the boys. About 30 seconds later I head a crash and they all come running into the bathroom. “Mom, he touched the Elf! I didn’t tell him to do it either” she stated. Little did they know, I had heard the entire conversation. I knew she was a filthy dirty liar and my son should be charged with misdemeanor assault charges.

We went back into the living room and I took a look at the Elf. He was hanging onto the wreath for dear life. “You know if you touch him he loses his magical powers, right?” I asked. “I only touched him with an ornament,” stated my youngest. So this left me with quite a dilemma. I packed them into the car and gave them a big dose of Mom guilt about being disappointed and why bad choices at this time of year can be detrimental to their Christmas loot. Below is my solution to the Elf touching issue. I left this note attached to said Elf.

Little Children BEWARE

Touching the Elf can cause disrepair

His magical powers and ability to fly

Will fall by the wayside and he will most definitely cry

Stop, look, and listen to your Mom and Dad

Making bad choices will make Elfie and Santa sad

Be sweet with your words and kinds with your hands

The season is upon us from far away magical lands

Be grateful and thoughtful this holiday season

Or coal in your stocking….And you’ll know the reason

*Here’s to hoping we can make it to Christmas without another assault charge.