​I am a type A person with a primal need for completion.  I find routines to be soothing and peaceful, but one thing always gets me….the house work never ends. The laundry, the dishes, the floors, they always need attention. I have tried and tried to find ways to feel like I am one step ahead, but that one step always ends with me in some type of bodily fluid, or dog excrement. With that in mind, I have created a list of 5 ways to De-stress your daily Household routine.

1. Wear Fuzzy Socks: I live in Florida so most of the time it is flip-flop weather. However, when I am in my house I wear fuzzy socks. Why would I do that you ask, its simple. I spray my fuzzy socks with some Mr. Clean and I skate mop the floors during the day. It is a great work out and it gets those unsightly blemishes up off the floor in a flash.

2. Window Decals: Have you ever used those cute holiday inspired window decals? They have them for every holiday and seasonal theme. If you keep them up all year-long, you can’t see how dirty the windows are. I have also found that if I do venture out and clean the sliding doors, people run into them, which is most definitely a hazard. So keep your Easter bunny decals up until the 4th of July and then go crazy with Halloween. Pumpkins for everyone :)

3. Crock Pot-it: The best kitchen invention ever is the crock pot. I will crock pot cook anything. Want chicken for dinner, DONE! Want a roast, DONE! Want a cake, DONE! There is a recipe for pretty much anything you can think of. I would have never guessed that owing a crock pot would be a highlight in my life, but I am one proud crock potting Momma.

4. Toy Bin Organization: I love to have everything in its place. I have several pieces of furniture from IKEA that house various sized bins to organize the kids toys. Each bin is used to house a different type of toy. One bin for hot wheels, one for action figures, one for toy food and kitchen play items, you get the picture. That beautiful site lasted about 30 seconds. The first time I asked the kids to pick up the play room they put all of toys away in the wrong bins. I was horrified, until I realized that there were in fact no toys on the floor and the room was cleaned up. So I have learned to let it slide. There may be a piece of three-week old pizza in a bin, but one of the kids will wise up at some point and eat it.

5. Bathroom hack:  Now that all three of my kids shower on their own, I have designated that they will be the ones to clean the bathroom. How do I get them to do that you ask? It’s simple, I send them in with one bottle of 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner and a bottle of body wash and I tell them to go crazy. “Wash your body and hair first, then clean the walls, floor, and door.” I am not really concerned that they are cleaning the shower with body wash, they would be dumping it down the drain if I didn’t give them specific instructions, so at least it is going to good use. Next they get out of the shower and mop the floor up with their towels. They always forget to shut the door or the curtain all the way, so there is ample water on the floor. Once they use the towel to mop it up we have a nice shiny bathroom floor.

So in the end, I have learned to live with the daily grind of household chores and relaxed a bit on the ideal outcome. We live in our house, it is not a model home, it will not be perfect. If I want the house to be perfectly clean and smelling fresh, I will have to find someplace to send my three kids and husband. So I have decided to keep the lived in-house and stress less about the “lived in” look.





Being a parent is super easy if you aren’t one. Wait, what? Well, before I had kids, I was great at giving advice about parenting. If I could go back in time, I would bitch-slap Pre-parenting me and set the record straight. This is the hardest job on the face of the earth. I said a lot of things prior to being a Mom. Here are 10 of the things I said I would never ever do.

1. Give my kids Junk Food: I was going to make my own baby food. I was going to be 100% natural. I tried. I really did, but that policy was just too strict for my house. I have found myself in the check out line at the grocery store with three screaming kids, right next to the Snickers bars and Kit-Kats on a weekly basis, and 50% of the time, I give in. Not proud, just honest.

2. Give in to a crying baby: I am a firm believer in “Crying it out”, it is just much easier said then done. I would put my first child down in his crib and sit at the door and cry as he cried. I would wait until my husband left the hallway to run in and check on him. It did get easier to let the others cry it out, but that was mostly because I was just too damn busy doing other crap to go in and check on them.

3. Be the last one at pickup: I remember always be the last kid to get picked up from school or sports practice. It was so embarrassing. I always thought that my parents “forgot” me. I never really thought about the fact that they were super busy and they got me as soon as they could. I have actually been on my way home and gotten a call that both my husband and I “forgot” to pick up our son. Talk about turning a shade red, I was so embarrassed. We had miss-communicated and he was the last one to be picked up from daycare. Guess what, he survived, and so did I.

4. Let my kids sleep in my bed: I said over and over again that kids in the bed was a bad idea. I was not going to share my space with the kids. I would get up and walk them back into their beds. NOT A REALITY. At 2AM I was not about to drag my tired ass out of bed to put them back in their own bed. I have managed to survive 9 years of children in my bed, so I guess it worked out in the end.

5. Let my kids eat school lunch: I always hated school lunch. I ate it almost everyday as a kid. When I was older I packed my own lunch. I was going to be the Mom who packed everyone’s lunch every day and made sure to pack a napkin with a love note on it. I am lucky if they are sent with lunch three days a week, and the love note may or may not be my wadded up snotty tissue from my bathrobe pocket.

6. Bribe my kids to listen to me: I felt that bribes were the lowest form of parenting. Well, I must currently dwell in Hell, because I bribe on a daily basis. “Did you clean your room? No Dessert if you don’t clean your room, and it’s ice cream tonight.” I am too tired to read the proper parenting book to get the job done, so I will bribe my ass off to gain ground each day.

7. Yell and Scream like a lunatic: I grew up in a household of screamer’s. Everyone yelled at everyone for everything. I am not a fan of yelling. I do however lose my “Mommy shit” at least once a day. It is bound to happen with three kids, and I try to keep it at a level that will not cause the cops to darken my doorway.

8. Sweat the small stuff: I was going to be a proactive parent who cared about the big picture. I wanted to always focus on what really mattered. It’s amazing how fast the walls close in when you are in the trenches of parenting. I know this sounds dramatic, but the daily grind can wear you down, and the small stuff becomes a mountain before you know it. For example, keeping the house clean. It seems like a small task, but it is daunting. I finished cleaning my house one day only to find myself  face to face with a turd on the couch. After spending two hours cleaning, it was a bit devastating to find a fresh turd on the couch. Shit really does happen.

9. Give in to their demands: I have been known to have a bit of a rough exterior. I believe that you work for your things and it is not beneficial to have them given to you. I want to make sure my kids know the value of hard work. At the same time I can’t seem to walk out of a store without buying something for each kids, almost every time We go out, and it is so hard to say “No” to three repeating parrots who continue to squawk until you whisper scream “Fine, put it in the cart and be quiet.”

10. Drive a Mini-Van: I was going to be the cool Mom who held tightly to class and sophistication. Bawahahaahhaha. That lasted about 10 minutes. To be honest, I love my mini-van. It is super awesome and it doubles as a super sweet party van on the weekends. Me and six of my closest friends can bar hop all night in that sexy ride.

So in the end, I do a ton of stuff I admittedly said I would never do. I do it to survive. I do it to remain sane. I do it because life happens. Don’t beat yourself up for the choice you make to keep your family moving. Remain calm and parent on my friends.



It hit me like a ton of bricks the other day. I received a “backhanded” compliment that I had heard many times before, but that day it really pissed me off. Normally I am able to “Shake it off” like Taylor has told me to do time and time again, but I just couldn’t. I wanted to reach across the table and throat punch the person who had just given me what he thought was a sweet compliment. Below I have listed the top 5 backhanded remarks I have received as a Mom.

You look so nice when you get dressed: This one always gets me. I want to say, “Oh thank you. I know I looked like complete crap the other day when I dropped off the kids. It was a bit of a rough morning, attempting to get three blessings dressed and ready for school, while cleaning up dog pee, emptying the dishwasher, and getting dinner in the crock pot. I just can’t believe that I forgot to put on my make-up and pantyhose before I left the house. Oh, Heavens me!”

Don’t worry, the Baby weight will eventually come off, you’ll see: I remember being in the middle of a conversation with someone at work when they said this. It was like a knife through the heart. I had actually lost all the baby weight, but gravity, that spiteful Bitch had shifted things on me. My pants didn’t fit the same, I was totally uncomfortable, and these words of “encouragement” sent me straight to the freezer section for a pint of Ben and Jerry’s!

I get it. Why clean your house when you have kids: I do my best to keep up with the mess. I really, really, really, do. I use to be so freaking tidy. But living with a bunch of organizationally challenged toddlers has caused my house to be in a constant sate of disrepair. I had someone stop by last week to do some work on my house. When he said this to me, I wanted to nicely let him know that I did in fact clean up before they came over, but I had recently taken some “I don’t give a shit” pills and this was as far as I had gotten.

Relax, I’m sure it’s just a stage: Please don’t say this to a Mom who is in the middle of a massive grocery store melt down with their 3 yr. old. It is not helpful. I have three kids, that have been going through “stages” for about 9 years now. Smile at me with that look like “I get it, I have kids too and sometimes I want to shove them in a closet.” We all go through it. I have been guilty of saying it myself, but I now declare it to be UN-helpful and derogatory.

You look good for having kids: Here we have it, the piece de resistance. THIS IS NOT A COMPLIMENT!!!! If I look good, just tell me that. Why is my looking good relational to how many humans I’ve pushed through my lady parts. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Stop thinking that you gave me such a great compliment, you didn’t. What I hear when you pay me this compliment is “Wow, if you hadn’t had those awful children, you would be smoking hot!”

So let’s all be kind to one another and keep our comments to ourselves if we have nothing nice to say. If you feel as though you need to strain to be polite or find the right words….STOP. Say nothing and smile. A smile works wonders.


That’s Inappropriate





The past year of my life has been consumed with DIY projects and improvements on our home. It has been rewarding and also eye opening. I never would have guessed that I would want to spend so much money on a home, making it my own. This morning as I was making coffee in my bathroom for the 10th day in a row, the tune to “Ice Ice Baby” was jamming in my head. The lyrics were a bit different. Check them out.


Yo, Home Reno, let’s kick it!

DIY-Y-Baby, DIY-Y-Baby

All right stop, put down that hammer and listen

DIY is back with a brand new addition

Projects, grab a hold of me tightly

Working like a dog, daily and nightly

Will it ever stop? Yo, I don’t know

Turn on the lights, damn there’s no glow!

To the extreme I rock a tool belt like a mad-man

Picking paint colors and formulating a sweet plan

Sandpaper, go slow go with the grain

I’m dropping knowledge on you with my home-reno super brain

Deadly, watch the saw blades carefully

Do it yourself and you’ll save on carpentry

Love it or list it, that show don’t play

I get sweet ideas, but my husbands gotta pay

If there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it

Check out this book, its got a ton of cool projects

DIY-Y-Baby, DIY-Y-Baby

DIY-Y-Baby, DIY-Y-Baby

Now that this project is jumping

Got my coffee brewing, pumpin in the bathroom

Want toast? Plug it in, in the living-room

Kitchen’s closed fool, off limits please don’t assume

Check your paint cans, I detect some bad fumes

I go crazy when I hear the power tools

And a nail gun, with a souped up big boom

I’m on a roll, it’s time to go to Home Depot

Rollin’ in my minivan

With the trunk propped, so the lumber don’t jam

The cashier on standby, waving “Do you need a tie?”

Did I stop? No, I just drove by

Cautiously, super slow to the next stop

I busted a left still need oil for the butcherblock

Sadly, Bed Bath and Beyond was closed

So I continued to 41, snowbird avenue

DIY-Y-Baby, Projects making me crazy

DIY-Y-Baby, Projects making me crazy

If there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it

Check out this book, its got a ton of cool projects

So if you love DIY and are brave enough to try, God bless and good luck. I am just about at the end of my rope. My only saving grace was this tune in my head this morning as I brewed a pot of bathroom coffee, know around here as “A cup of John.”








spring break

I was once a spring-breaker. A crazy college coed who lived on the beach for a week and loved every minute of it. I am currently in spring break hell as a 34-year-old mother of three, who works from home, and has been invaded by three children who have no place to go for the next 14 days. It dawned on me this morning that my three children have a lot in common with college students on spring break. Take a look a 7 ways kids are similar to college spring break assholes.


1. Loud and Obnoxious: We were out at Denny’s having breakfast when a group of ten college kids stormed through the doors. They were loud, annoying, and made the waitresses life a living hell. They were breaking the crayons and throwing them across the restaurant, blowing spit balls through their straws, and kept getting up to go to the bathroom. Does any of this sound familiar? Seriously, any of this? I am positive that every time we go out to eat with our kids, the waitress must wonder what she has done in her life, to deserve this. Food all over the place, crayons and papers on the floor, silverware stuck in the booth. Complete nightmare.

drinking SB

2. Gross Behavior: Spring breakers are notorious for getting drunk and peeing outside of bars and in the street. Just last week I was rushing to take one of my kids to the doctors and he had to go to the bathroom. He jumped out of the minivan and peed in a concrete planter in the parking lot. He was holding his “business” with one hand and waving at passing cars with the other. I guess peeing in a parking lot at 4 yrs old is more acceptable than at 21 yrs. old. Still, pretty gross if you ask me. Odd are good that some one is pissing on a shoe.

peeing outside

3. Inability To Make Good Choices: Something magical happens in the month of March. Super smart Deans list college students turn into drunken animals that run though the streets with not a care in the world. They tend to make some not-so-great choices. Bar hopping and double fist-ING shots can cause you to wake up with your head in a toilet, and vomit on your shoes. My children also lack the ability to make good choices. We are on day 2 of spring break and number 3 has already spent 2 hours in “lock-up” for trying to ninja kick his sister, among other household violations. My favorite is when he screams “I’m ready to be a human being” from his room and asks, “Can I come out now? I swear I will be a human being.” Filthy liar.


4. Always Naked: If you want to see some skin….travel to any of the spring break hot spots this season. College kids are notorious for running around naked at the beach, the hotel pool, or even in the streets, after a night of drinking. My kids also have this affliction. They are always naked. I am constantly screaming, “Put on some freaking pants, we have company.” Why must I instruct my children to wear clothing. We do not live in a nudist colony, therefore clothing is not an option, that also goes for under-ware. I literally have to do an under-ware check in the mornings before school. Every.Freaking.Day.

beach bikinis

5. Out of Cash: I remember sitting at a table getting ready to go out with a group of friend during spring break and placing all of our cash on the table. $27 between 8 people. We spent the rest of the evening “Borrowing” money that we had no intention of paying back, so we could drink until the sun came up. My children are always asking to borrow money, swearing that “If you buy me this, I will pay you back when we get home. I have money in my piggy bank.” So cute, and yet so disillusion. They have spent that “Piggy bank” money 87 times already, and since you can’t read, all of those birthday cards filled with cash, are deposited into Mommy’s account. Sorry sucka! Get a job and learn to read.

out of money



6. Excited by Coins:  Last week I asked my youngest to clean up the toy room. He asked what he could have if he completed the chore. I lifted up a shiny quarter and his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. He ran in and picked everything up. He held onto that quarter like Gollum held onto his “Precious” ring. College spring-breakers know the value of coins as well. You might see a spring breaker digging through the seats of their car, to find enough change for a soft taco at Taco Bell.


7. Sleep Not Required: Children and Spring-Breakers can both go exceptionally long periods of time without sleep. College students and children are gifted with the ability to fight sleep and survive. Spring-breaker use alcohol to sustain their energy levels, my kids could probably go at least 48 on pure Adrenalin, cheese-its, and a Netflix marathon of the Disney Channel.

no sleep


So in conclusion, my children seem to suffer from spring-breakitis all year-long. They are gross, broke, naked, and always making bad choices.