I am constantly amazed at the things my kids say and do, as well as how they act whether in public or at home. I was having coffee with some friends the other morning and as we sat at the kitchen table I felt as though I was surrounded by a herd of goats. The kids were loud, eating everything in sight, climbing on the couch, and downright obnoxious. It was like being trapped in a barn yard with no way to escape. I came to the startling realization that my kids are goats!

  1. Baby goats are called kids: Seriously, how funny is that. Female goats are called “Nannies”, this is becoming a bit weird,  so I guess I am the “nanny” and it is my job to watch all of the “kids.” Touche’ animal kingdom, touche’.
  2. Browsing Animals: People often think that goats will eat anything. Goats are known as browsing animals because they will put just about anything in their mouths, as to identify if the object is edible. Does that sound familiar? Just last week I had to ask my 4 yr old to spit out a crayon, car, bottle top, shoe lace, and a toy truck. Hummmmmm. I am beginning to see a pattern here.
  3. Curious and Intelligent Creatures: Goats are known to be one of the most intelligent of the barn yard brethren. They are resourceful creatures, much like my three “kids.” My youngest son sat behind the couch the other day waiting for his sister to get up from the table to use the restroom. As soon as she was out of sight, he ran to her plate, ate her remaining food and drank her drink. She returned to an empty plate and looked at me with a puzzled expression. Sneaky little goat.
  4. Climbers: To look at a goat, one would not picture an animal that can climb high mountains, and even trees, but goats are fantastic climbers. A few months back I found my 6 yr old on top of the refrigerator. What on earth was she doing there, looking for confiscated items of course. I assumed that since they couldn’t reach the top of the fridge it was a safe place to hide said item, but I was wrong.
  5. Escape Artists: Houdini’s in a herd, goats are known to be very difficult animals to pen. They have an uncanny ability to find weaknesses in fencing and then exploit that weakness and escape. My kids are also mini Houdini’s, they have the ability to instantly make my patience disappear. Every night I put them to bed and they are able to find their way into the kitchen 57 times for water, a hug, one last kiss, and eventually a flip-flop beating. There is no way to contain them, legally that is.
  6. Screamers: Goats are known to be very loud animals. The noise they make has been equated to a child scream. My kids have no idea what an “inside voice” is, or why screaming is so bothersome. They will scream from sunrise to sunset, and I have had them all tested for hearing deficits.
  7. Nagging Creatures: While doing serious research on this piece I read about a farmer who would crawl to the bathroom in the morning on his hands and knees, because if the goats saw him they would cry and nag him until he came out to see them. My kids try daily to nag me to death. “What time is dinner? Where are my shoes? Why do I have to clean my room? Are you going to get out of bed and feed us? Why do you want to run away?” Nag, nag, nag, all day long with the questions. Ignoring them has yet to work.

I had no idea that I would grow up to be the nanny goat. I am not a fan of barns, or barn yard animals, but I guess I will keep my herd and carry on. I will continue to Shepard the hell out of this job until my goats are all grown.




photo 2 (1)photo 1

I have learned a lot of lessons over the past 12 years. If I could go back and give newlywed me a few tips on surviving marriage, it would look a little something like this.

  1. Fairy Tales do not exist: Life happens and the best way to deal with that is by going with the flow. Resisting the current will cause a lot of stress and arguments. We all watch movies like the Notebook and Dirty Dancing, and think, “I want that kind of super sexy passionate relationship.” Sure, it looks pretty hot, heavy, and magical, but that is not reality. I bet if Dirty Dancing had a sequel, Johnny would come home without the milk at some point and we would really see how passionate Baby would become. “Johnny, are you serious? What are the kids going to put on their cereal in the morning? I asked for one freaking thing!”
  2. Let him go….anywhere he wants: For the first few years of our marriage, I nagged my husband to keep him close. I was always so upset that he would want to go away and be separated from me. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me every second of the day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I truly believe that. Since having children, I am happy to have my husband go out and play golf, or do anything his little heart pleases. The only rule is that he takes at least one kids when he goes. He needs time away from me and I need time away from him. We both need time away from the kids. It is necessary for survival. I recommend some separation if you want to remain married, it makes sense I swear.
  3. He is not going to change: I spent years complaining that my husband doesn’t clean toilets, or help with the household chores. I would actually ask him, “Why don’t you want to help me clean the house?” I can’t help but laugh out loud thinking about it. I don’t want to clean the house, why would he want to clean the house. We dated for a long time prior to marrying, and he was a slob then, why would he morph into a tidy companion. It was an unrealistic notion that drove me crazy. To this day I have never seen him scrub a toilet. I am positive that the Apocalypse will occur if he were to ever pick up a toilet brush.
  4. Romance IS OVERRATED: Wine me, dine me, …..You know the rest. Being romantic is not for everyone. I love to see it on the big screen, but it is not something that comes naturally to my husband. I use to beg him for romantic gestures, but that is like asking a musician to perform surgery. We all have talents and strengths, and it is unfair to demand a talent that someone does not possess. Everyday does not need to be a page out of a romance novel, that is not real life. The nights that he gets up and does the dishes without me prompting him are the sexiest gestures ever. Watch out Mr. Grey, my husband scrubbed a pot!!! SO Freaking HOT!
  5. Saying “I love you” is not enough: To show someone you love them, use actions not words. I am not the biggest fan of serious conversations, or talking about my feelings. I like to use actions to speak for how I feel. My husband knows I love him because I cook, clean, iron his dress shirts, pack his lunch, and buy his favorite toilet paper. Nothing says I love you like a clean, freshly wiped backside.
  6. Don’t argue over where to go for dinner: Don’t spend 45 minutes discussing where to go for dinner. Be happy you don’t have to cook and if you want something specific, ask. He can not read your mind. I promise. We went out last week and I wanted steak. I said, “Take me for steak.” His reply, “Outback it is.” It was quick and easy, up until the point where my three kids terrorized the restaurant and one violated the bathroom.
  7. Making Love is made up: Sex is a big part of marriage, but making love doesn’t look like a Hollywood movie scene . There will not be candles, music, or mood lighting every time the horizontal mambo will occur. Sometime you just need to do it because he asked. Sometime you need to do it because the kids are all asleep for the first time in a week. Sometimes you will just need to lock the bathroom door and do it while the kids knock and ask “why you are both showering at the same time?” I like the excuse about conserving water the best. We all need to do our part to save Mother Earth.

So if I could go back and tell that bright-eyed, young bride these 7 things, the first few years of marriage may have looked a bit different. At least now I know how to pick my battles. Marriage is a marathon, so buy comfortable under-ware that don’t get easily bunched and hold on for one wild ride.


Today’s post is targeted at new Mom’s or soon to be Moms.

Becoming a Mom is a wonderful, scary, life altering journey that no one is really ready for. Think back to the conversation you had when you decided to have a baby. The discussion about about having enough money, or time, or help. My statement was most likely similar to most women, pleading with my husband, “We will never have enough time or money, but I want to have a baby.” So we did in fact have not one, but three babies over the course of four years. So here is my advice on surviving the first days with baby.

  1. SLEEP: This title is in capital letters because it is simply that important. Sleep as often as you can. If someone offers to sit with the baby, tell them yes please, and then go take a nap. Don’t do laundry, or dishes, or anything else. Sleep is so important and although we can live without it, we don’t function well and everyone suffers.
  2. Breast or Bottle you decide: This is 100% up to you. It is your body, and here is the best part….There is no wrong answer. You will in fact be feeding your baby, so either way you are doing your job. I have done both and I can tell you that all three of my kids are alive and thriving at the ages of 9, 6, and 4. They all took some from the boob, and the rest from the bottle. It is up to you and you alone to decide.
  3. Eat: Don’t forget to feed yourself. Eat what you want, when you want. You need to have enough energy to take care of all of the people living in your tiny village. Keep up your energy and don’t even think about “losing the baby weight” at this point in time. You will need all of the energy that you can produce to not only physically take care of baby, but the mental struggle is just as real and just as exhausting.
  4. Accept Help: You are home with your miracle and he hasn’t stopped crying for a solid 60 minutes. If your husband, or mother in law, or best friend just so happened to stop by, pass that baby over. Take a shower, a nap, or paint your toenails. Take a deep breath and know that it’s OK to accept help and take a break. You are a better Mom when you accept help, the more the merrier.
  5. Give up the guilt: Mom guilt is self imposed. It is pretty much the same thing as the Boogie-Man. We all know that the Boogie-Man isn’t real, but tell that to a 3 yr. old who insists that he is in his closet. Mom guilt can only wreck us if we allow it to become part of us. For many years I struggled with this daunting guilt. It is not productive or realistic to think that I will be able to be everything all of the time. Let the dishes sit, the laundry pile up, and the toys remain on the floor. I guarantee that they will still need attention tomorrow, so sit in a rocking chair with your baby and be still.
  6. Cry: It feels good to let it out. Crying is an acceptable emotion, especially if you just gave birth to a baby. Crying will give you an outlet and help you feel better about the current situation, even if your crying about an ASPCA commercial. I get it, I have done it, and I will most likely do it again.

So let yourself adjust to having another person in the house. When my first born was two weeks old I called my mother and cried for at least an hour. He was a colicky baby who only wanted to nurse. I remember telling her, “He is like an angry house guest that won’t leave. I know I am supposed to love him, but he just cries all the time.” As soon as the words left my mouth I felt bad, but what my Mom said I will never forget. “He won’t cry forever. Give him to your husband and go take a shower.” She was right, the crying eventually stopped and then I had more babies :) So relax and give up the guilt. It is only welcome at your table if you offer it an invitation.






​I am a type A person with a primal need for completion.  I find routines to be soothing and peaceful, but one thing always gets me….the house work never ends. The laundry, the dishes, the floors, they always need attention. I have tried and tried to find ways to feel like I am one step ahead, but that one step always ends with me in some type of bodily fluid, or dog excrement. With that in mind, I have created a list of 5 ways to De-stress your daily Household routine.

1. Wear Fuzzy Socks: I live in Florida so most of the time it is flip-flop weather. However, when I am in my house I wear fuzzy socks. Why would I do that you ask, its simple. I spray my fuzzy socks with some Mr. Clean and I skate mop the floors during the day. It is a great work out and it gets those unsightly blemishes up off the floor in a flash.

2. Window Decals: Have you ever used those cute holiday inspired window decals? They have them for every holiday and seasonal theme. If you keep them up all year-long, you can’t see how dirty the windows are. I have also found that if I do venture out and clean the sliding doors, people run into them, which is most definitely a hazard. So keep your Easter bunny decals up until the 4th of July and then go crazy with Halloween. Pumpkins for everyone :)

3. Crock Pot-it: The best kitchen invention ever is the crock pot. I will crock pot cook anything. Want chicken for dinner, DONE! Want a roast, DONE! Want a cake, DONE! There is a recipe for pretty much anything you can think of. I would have never guessed that owing a crock pot would be a highlight in my life, but I am one proud crock potting Momma.

4. Toy Bin Organization: I love to have everything in its place. I have several pieces of furniture from IKEA that house various sized bins to organize the kids toys. Each bin is used to house a different type of toy. One bin for hot wheels, one for action figures, one for toy food and kitchen play items, you get the picture. That beautiful site lasted about 30 seconds. The first time I asked the kids to pick up the play room they put all of toys away in the wrong bins. I was horrified, until I realized that there were in fact no toys on the floor and the room was cleaned up. So I have learned to let it slide. There may be a piece of three-week old pizza in a bin, but one of the kids will wise up at some point and eat it.

5. Bathroom hack:  Now that all three of my kids shower on their own, I have designated that they will be the ones to clean the bathroom. How do I get them to do that you ask? It’s simple, I send them in with one bottle of 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner and a bottle of body wash and I tell them to go crazy. “Wash your body and hair first, then clean the walls, floor, and door.” I am not really concerned that they are cleaning the shower with body wash, they would be dumping it down the drain if I didn’t give them specific instructions, so at least it is going to good use. Next they get out of the shower and mop the floor up with their towels. They always forget to shut the door or the curtain all the way, so there is ample water on the floor. Once they use the towel to mop it up we have a nice shiny bathroom floor.

So in the end, I have learned to live with the daily grind of household chores and relaxed a bit on the ideal outcome. We live in our house, it is not a model home, it will not be perfect. If I want the house to be perfectly clean and smelling fresh, I will have to find someplace to send my three kids and husband. So I have decided to keep the lived in-house and stress less about the “lived in” look.






Being a parent is super easy if you aren’t one. Wait, what? Well, before I had kids, I was great at giving advice about parenting. If I could go back in time, I would bitch-slap Pre-parenting me and set the record straight. This is the hardest job on the face of the earth. I said a lot of things prior to being a Mom. Here are 10 of the things I said I would never ever do.

1. Give my kids Junk Food: I was going to make my own baby food. I was going to be 100% natural. I tried. I really did, but that policy was just too strict for my house. I have found myself in the check out line at the grocery store with three screaming kids, right next to the Snickers bars and Kit-Kats on a weekly basis, and 50% of the time, I give in. Not proud, just honest.

2. Give in to a crying baby: I am a firm believer in “Crying it out”, it is just much easier said then done. I would put my first child down in his crib and sit at the door and cry as he cried. I would wait until my husband left the hallway to run in and check on him. It did get easier to let the others cry it out, but that was mostly because I was just too damn busy doing other crap to go in and check on them.

3. Be the last one at pickup: I remember always be the last kid to get picked up from school or sports practice. It was so embarrassing. I always thought that my parents “forgot” me. I never really thought about the fact that they were super busy and they got me as soon as they could. I have actually been on my way home and gotten a call that both my husband and I “forgot” to pick up our son. Talk about turning a shade red, I was so embarrassed. We had miss-communicated and he was the last one to be picked up from daycare. Guess what, he survived, and so did I.

4. Let my kids sleep in my bed: I said over and over again that kids in the bed was a bad idea. I was not going to share my space with the kids. I would get up and walk them back into their beds. NOT A REALITY. At 2AM I was not about to drag my tired ass out of bed to put them back in their own bed. I have managed to survive 9 years of children in my bed, so I guess it worked out in the end.

5. Let my kids eat school lunch: I always hated school lunch. I ate it almost everyday as a kid. When I was older I packed my own lunch. I was going to be the Mom who packed everyone’s lunch every day and made sure to pack a napkin with a love note on it. I am lucky if they are sent with lunch three days a week, and the love note may or may not be my wadded up snotty tissue from my bathrobe pocket.

6. Bribe my kids to listen to me: I felt that bribes were the lowest form of parenting. Well, I must currently dwell in Hell, because I bribe on a daily basis. “Did you clean your room? No Dessert if you don’t clean your room, and it’s ice cream tonight.” I am too tired to read the proper parenting book to get the job done, so I will bribe my ass off to gain ground each day.

7. Yell and Scream like a lunatic: I grew up in a household of screamer’s. Everyone yelled at everyone for everything. I am not a fan of yelling. I do however lose my “Mommy shit” at least once a day. It is bound to happen with three kids, and I try to keep it at a level that will not cause the cops to darken my doorway.

8. Sweat the small stuff: I was going to be a proactive parent who cared about the big picture. I wanted to always focus on what really mattered. It’s amazing how fast the walls close in when you are in the trenches of parenting. I know this sounds dramatic, but the daily grind can wear you down, and the small stuff becomes a mountain before you know it. For example, keeping the house clean. It seems like a small task, but it is daunting. I finished cleaning my house one day only to find myself  face to face with a turd on the couch. After spending two hours cleaning, it was a bit devastating to find a fresh turd on the couch. Shit really does happen.

9. Give in to their demands: I have been known to have a bit of a rough exterior. I believe that you work for your things and it is not beneficial to have them given to you. I want to make sure my kids know the value of hard work. At the same time I can’t seem to walk out of a store without buying something for each kids, almost every time We go out, and it is so hard to say “No” to three repeating parrots who continue to squawk until you whisper scream “Fine, put it in the cart and be quiet.”

10. Drive a Mini-Van: I was going to be the cool Mom who held tightly to class and sophistication. Bawahahaahhaha. That lasted about 10 minutes. To be honest, I love my mini-van. It is super awesome and it doubles as a super sweet party van on the weekends. Me and six of my closest friends can bar hop all night in that sexy ride.

So in the end, I do a ton of stuff I admittedly said I would never do. I do it to survive. I do it to remain sane. I do it because life happens. Don’t beat yourself up for the choice you make to keep your family moving. Remain calm and parent on my friends.




It hit me like a ton of bricks the other day. I received a “backhanded” compliment that I had heard many times before, but that day it really pissed me off. Normally I am able to “Shake it off” like Taylor has told me to do time and time again, but I just couldn’t. I wanted to reach across the table and throat punch the person who had just given me what he thought was a sweet compliment. Below I have listed the top 5 backhanded remarks I have received as a Mom.

You look so nice when you get dressed: This one always gets me. I want to say, “Oh thank you. I know I looked like complete crap the other day when I dropped off the kids. It was a bit of a rough morning, attempting to get three blessings dressed and ready for school, while cleaning up dog pee, emptying the dishwasher, and getting dinner in the crock pot. I just can’t believe that I forgot to put on my make-up and pantyhose before I left the house. Oh, Heavens me!”

Don’t worry, the Baby weight will eventually come off, you’ll see: I remember being in the middle of a conversation with someone at work when they said this. It was like a knife through the heart. I had actually lost all the baby weight, but gravity, that spiteful Bitch had shifted things on me. My pants didn’t fit the same, I was totally uncomfortable, and these words of “encouragement” sent me straight to the freezer section for a pint of Ben and Jerry’s!

I get it. Why clean your house when you have kids: I do my best to keep up with the mess. I really, really, really, do. I use to be so freaking tidy. But living with a bunch of organizationally challenged toddlers has caused my house to be in a constant sate of disrepair. I had someone stop by last week to do some work on my house. When he said this to me, I wanted to nicely let him know that I did in fact clean up before they came over, but I had recently taken some “I don’t give a shit” pills and this was as far as I had gotten.

Relax, I’m sure it’s just a stage: Please don’t say this to a Mom who is in the middle of a massive grocery store melt down with their 3 yr. old. It is not helpful. I have three kids, that have been going through “stages” for about 9 years now. Smile at me with that look like “I get it, I have kids too and sometimes I want to shove them in a closet.” We all go through it. I have been guilty of saying it myself, but I now declare it to be UN-helpful and derogatory.

You look good for having kids: Here we have it, the piece de resistance. THIS IS NOT A COMPLIMENT!!!! If I look good, just tell me that. Why is my looking good relational to how many humans I’ve pushed through my lady parts. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Stop thinking that you gave me such a great compliment, you didn’t. What I hear when you pay me this compliment is “Wow, if you hadn’t had those awful children, you would be smoking hot!”

So let’s all be kind to one another and keep our comments to ourselves if we have nothing nice to say. If you feel as though you need to strain to be polite or find the right words….STOP. Say nothing and smile. A smile works wonders.


That’s Inappropriate





The past year of my life has been consumed with DIY projects and improvements on our home. It has been rewarding and also eye opening. I never would have guessed that I would want to spend so much money on a home, making it my own. This morning as I was making coffee in my bathroom for the 10th day in a row, the tune to “Ice Ice Baby” was jamming in my head. The lyrics were a bit different. Check them out.


Yo, Home Reno, let’s kick it!

DIY-Y-Baby, DIY-Y-Baby

All right stop, put down that hammer and listen

DIY is back with a brand new addition

Projects, grab a hold of me tightly

Working like a dog, daily and nightly

Will it ever stop? Yo, I don’t know

Turn on the lights, damn there’s no glow!

To the extreme I rock a tool belt like a mad-man

Picking paint colors and formulating a sweet plan

Sandpaper, go slow go with the grain

I’m dropping knowledge on you with my home-reno super brain

Deadly, watch the saw blades carefully

Do it yourself and you’ll save on carpentry

Love it or list it, that show don’t play

I get sweet ideas, but my husbands gotta pay

If there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it

Check out this book, its got a ton of cool projects

DIY-Y-Baby, DIY-Y-Baby

DIY-Y-Baby, DIY-Y-Baby

Now that this project is jumping

Got my coffee brewing, pumpin in the bathroom

Want toast? Plug it in, in the living-room

Kitchen’s closed fool, off limits please don’t assume

Check your paint cans, I detect some bad fumes

I go crazy when I hear the power tools

And a nail gun, with a souped up big boom

I’m on a roll, it’s time to go to Home Depot

Rollin’ in my minivan

With the trunk propped, so the lumber don’t jam

The cashier on standby, waving “Do you need a tie?”

Did I stop? No, I just drove by

Cautiously, super slow to the next stop

I busted a left still need oil for the butcherblock

Sadly, Bed Bath and Beyond was closed

So I continued to 41, snowbird avenue

DIY-Y-Baby, Projects making me crazy

DIY-Y-Baby, Projects making me crazy

If there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it

Check out this book, its got a ton of cool projects

So if you love DIY and are brave enough to try, God bless and good luck. I am just about at the end of my rope. My only saving grace was this tune in my head this morning as I brewed a pot of bathroom coffee, know around here as “A cup of John.”








spring break

I was once a spring-breaker. A crazy college coed who lived on the beach for a week and loved every minute of it. I am currently in spring break hell as a 34-year-old mother of three, who works from home, and has been invaded by three children who have no place to go for the next 14 days. It dawned on me this morning that my three children have a lot in common with college students on spring break. Take a look a 7 ways kids are similar to college spring break assholes.


1. Loud and Obnoxious: We were out at Denny’s having breakfast when a group of ten college kids stormed through the doors. They were loud, annoying, and made the waitresses life a living hell. They were breaking the crayons and throwing them across the restaurant, blowing spit balls through their straws, and kept getting up to go to the bathroom. Does any of this sound familiar? Seriously, any of this? I am positive that every time we go out to eat with our kids, the waitress must wonder what she has done in her life, to deserve this. Food all over the place, crayons and papers on the floor, silverware stuck in the booth. Complete nightmare.

drinking SB

2. Gross Behavior: Spring breakers are notorious for getting drunk and peeing outside of bars and in the street. Just last week I was rushing to take one of my kids to the doctors and he had to go to the bathroom. He jumped out of the minivan and peed in a concrete planter in the parking lot. He was holding his “business” with one hand and waving at passing cars with the other. I guess peeing in a parking lot at 4 yrs old is more acceptable than at 21 yrs. old. Still, pretty gross if you ask me. Odd are good that some one is pissing on a shoe.

peeing outside

3. Inability To Make Good Choices: Something magical happens in the month of March. Super smart Deans list college students turn into drunken animals that run though the streets with not a care in the world. They tend to make some not-so-great choices. Bar hopping and double fist-ING shots can cause you to wake up with your head in a toilet, and vomit on your shoes. My children also lack the ability to make good choices. We are on day 2 of spring break and number 3 has already spent 2 hours in “lock-up” for trying to ninja kick his sister, among other household violations. My favorite is when he screams “I’m ready to be a human being” from his room and asks, “Can I come out now? I swear I will be a human being.” Filthy liar.


4. Always Naked: If you want to see some skin….travel to any of the spring break hot spots this season. College kids are notorious for running around naked at the beach, the hotel pool, or even in the streets, after a night of drinking. My kids also have this affliction. They are always naked. I am constantly screaming, “Put on some freaking pants, we have company.” Why must I instruct my children to wear clothing. We do not live in a nudist colony, therefore clothing is not an option, that also goes for under-ware. I literally have to do an under-ware check in the mornings before school. Every.Freaking.Day.

beach bikinis

5. Out of Cash: I remember sitting at a table getting ready to go out with a group of friend during spring break and placing all of our cash on the table. $27 between 8 people. We spent the rest of the evening “Borrowing” money that we had no intention of paying back, so we could drink until the sun came up. My children are always asking to borrow money, swearing that “If you buy me this, I will pay you back when we get home. I have money in my piggy bank.” So cute, and yet so disillusion. They have spent that “Piggy bank” money 87 times already, and since you can’t read, all of those birthday cards filled with cash, are deposited into Mommy’s account. Sorry sucka! Get a job and learn to read.

out of money



6. Excited by Coins:  Last week I asked my youngest to clean up the toy room. He asked what he could have if he completed the chore. I lifted up a shiny quarter and his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. He ran in and picked everything up. He held onto that quarter like Gollum held onto his “Precious” ring. College spring-breakers know the value of coins as well. You might see a spring breaker digging through the seats of their car, to find enough change for a soft taco at Taco Bell.


7. Sleep Not Required: Children and Spring-Breakers can both go exceptionally long periods of time without sleep. College students and children are gifted with the ability to fight sleep and survive. Spring-breaker use alcohol to sustain their energy levels, my kids could probably go at least 48 on pure Adrenalin, cheese-its, and a Netflix marathon of the Disney Channel.

no sleep


So in conclusion, my children seem to suffer from spring-breakitis all year-long. They are gross, broke, naked, and always making bad choices.





I might have tattoos.
My hair may be green.
You might look at me and think “gosh she looks mean.”
I might have one baby, perhaps more like four.
But stop for just one minute because maybe there is more.
I might be a mom who loves super deep.
I do a great job kissing boo boos and brushing teeth.
I might look real different but my job is still the same.
I take care of my babies through heartache and pain.
It’s time to stop pointing and embrace who we are.
We’re Moms of all circumstances who love unbelievable hard.
So please bite your tongue if you see me at the park.
My role is the same as yours, to see my children through the dark.
It’s takes a village as they say to raise these tiny tots.
So as mothers let’s unite because our job is to love lots and lots.

Let’s end Mom Wars!


barbie and ken


Are you friends with any couples on Facebook that feel it necessary to show the world how much they love each other?  Constantly sending each other love letters for the world to read.  Well, my husband and I are friends with THOSE people. Let’s call them Barbie and Ken. Barbie and Ken can make you feel inadequate about your relationship in a mere nanosecond.

We first met Barbie and Ken about 7 years ago. When I first encountered Barbie I was amazed and astonished by her tale. She was a single mother of three who met a man who fell desperately in love with her.  They soon married and had two beautiful children of their own; increasing their family size to seven, yes I said SEVEN.


I slowly learned the details of their relationship and was dumbfounded. I asked one day, “What did you cook for dinner last night?” Her reply, “My husband made spaghetti.” I quickly questioned, “Ken cooks?”  I proceeded to ask, “Has he always cooked?” Her reply, “Yes, he cooks, cleans, grocery shops, and drops the kids off in the mornings.” My mind was racing. What the hell was this woman saying? Her husband cooks meals, cleans toilets and showers, and handles the kids. How can this be happening? There are men on this planet that know what a toilet brush is for? There are men with brains in their heads that sit on their shoulders and not just in the crotch of their pants? No, it isn’t true. It can’t be.


Where did this man learn to buy more than beer and toilet paper from the grocery store?  How can this be true? He must be a genetic mutation of sorts. My husband would sit in a pile of shit swarming with flies if I would allow it. What on earth could this woman possibly be doing to get her husband to do these things? My disbelief was unnerving, dare I say alarming.


She continued to captivate me with stories of the daily tasks that he performs. The final straw broke when she informed me that he coupon-ed! Holy hell, the man clips coupons! It was at that point that the light went on; as though I had been seeing only in black and white for my entire life. Barbie must be some type of sexual savant. Her vagina must be MAGICAL. Perhaps it plays the flute. Her vagina must beckon him like a siren, singing sweet musical notes that fascinate him and force him to coupon until his fingers bleed.



What other possible explanations could there be. Her vagina, I thought, must be like looking directly into the sun. Glowing and bursting until you can bear no more. When she lays in wait for him and slowly opens her thighs, does her vagina release a tractor beam pulling him in like the Star Ship Enterprise?  Beaming him up into inter-galactic ecstasy?


I must know how she became the Pied Piper of Pudenda (AKA Private Parts).  Did she take lessons? Was her mother a Madam? Was she secretly a stripper that worked her way through college? I sat there at a loss for words. I didn’t even know how to finish the conversation. I was enamored with Barbie.


I myself do all of the cooking, cleaning, and scrubbing of the shit stained toilets,  I even mow the fucking lawn. I sat there sadly thinking the only thought I could. My vagina must be BROKEN. There are no musical notes making their way out of my barren hole. I am the opposite of a musician. I am the equivalent of the worst cast off in American Idol history. My poor husband has suffered through years of tone-deaf intercourse. This is obviously why my husband refuses to help out around the house. I have blamed him for years, when in reality it is my damaged, crippled Va-Jay Jay.

It is now my life’s goal to teach my vagina to play the magical flute. At some point I will rule over my husband and watch while he washes shit stained underware and scrubs burnt pots and pans. I will have my revenge. I will become a concert flautist! My vagina will reign supreme.